Kine News April - June 2016

[Phil (Storyteller)]

Serial killer found with a cabinet full of scalps and a claw hammer

Norwich resident Anne Freeman has been arrested in connection with several disappearances over the past five years. A neighbour, whose name is being withheld for now, discovered Freeman’s “serial killer cupboard” and alerted the police. Freeman has worked as a handyperson in and around Norwich for the last ten years. With this shocking revelation, it leaves a lot of us asking how safe we are when we hire freelancers to fix our homes. When will the government implement a greater degree of oversight into independent contractors? Perhaps if they had, this could have been prevented. Investigations are still ongoing into the locations of Freeman’s alleged victims, as the police confirmed that organic matter from a number of missing persons has been found in Freeman’s house.


Rumours rife about conditions on set of local film

We’re hearing that not everyone involved in noted independent auteur Mark Kowalski’s latest production, so far untitled, is enjoying his apparently unique process. Sources on set tell us that industry veteran Kaspar Kirby, star of ‘It Lives’ and ‘The Thing from Beyond the Stars’, who came out of semi-retirement for this production has been seen hitting the bottle pretty hard again, possibly thanks to Kowalski's “tyrannical” directing style. We’re also hearing reports that a certain someone might be having a talk with Norfolk’s finest following a few too many bathroom breaks and a stash of unidentified white powder found in her dressing room. If that wasn’t enough there’s been talk of actors walking off the set, a set that’s looking like it’s soon going to be dominated by union action. Mark Kowalski was unavailable for comment according to his personal assistant, but he did tell us that the film is still going ahead and there will critic screenings within the next three months.

Paper Towns Survey Teams Being Dispatched

At a press conference today Council spokesperson Jennifer Hughes laid out plans for a review and possible revival of the ‘Paper Towns’ project that was abandoned several years ago. She stated that following discussions that included the Planning Department, Council Leaders and local residents that the decision was made to explore the possibilities of the failed development project with a view to updating it for the needs of the city today. Initial surveys are expected to take three months with work planned to start later this year.

Anti-virus

The “dark-cave” virus - prank in poor taste or disturbing conspiracy theory, it’s now been largely neutralised. Last month we saw a counter-virus that used dark-cave’s own architecture to undermine it, removing the disturbing images from pop-ups. This month, it seems that a group of tireless forumites has successfully neutralised the virus.

A Cave Within a Cave

There was something weird about that virus. We all know it. It gave you nightmares, there were whispers in the dark, voices in your head. You’re all lying to yourselves. The anti-virus, at least it fixed things, but there was something weird about that too. Look at the junk code and tell me that isn’t like the virus but not. It’s like it undid the narrative.

Cassie’s super awesome charity party time

Event promoter Cassie Ceinwen is flying the rainbow flag for the MOGAI community with a fantabulous party in the swanky Rose Hotel in the golden triangle. Great music, colourful drinks and a sense of community that raised everyone’s spirits. All proceeds went to Rainbow Roofs, a charity that focuses on supporting homeless MOGAI youths. The charity’s director, Emma Collins, welcomed the opportunity to let her hair down once all the organisation was done, saying, “This is just a fantastic event. I’m hoping it raises our profile and shows people that there are great grassroots projects making a difference. Let’s raise a glass to Cassie!” Several minor celebrities were spotted at the event, including star chef Gaston Dubois and singer Lexa, who has been making waves on the indie scene recently.

Premier League 2016-17 Fixtures Officially Released

In fantastic news for the city’s football fans the opening day of the season features a derby between Norwich’s own Canaries and our other local side, the Yarmouth Bloaters. While previous fixtures in this always fiercely fought local derby have been marred by incidents of hooliganism both teams, their managers and Norfolk Police have asked that fans remember that their behaviour is a reflection on the city as whole as well as the good name of the two sides.

The Bloaters are apparently pushing for a top five finish this season after their recent signing of Miguel Calevera for a fee of twelve million pounds from Bilbao. Calvera netted an impressive 24 goals for his club last season and should give the Bloaters more options up front. Calevera joins Ashton Pointer who signed for the Bloaters after his contract with Newcastle wasn’t renewed and should help solidify their seemingly fragile back four.

The Canaries have been quieter on the transfer front, but their manager, Alex Neil, has been reported as saying “We’ve got some quality local lads coming up from the Youth Team this season and we expect great things from them, great things.”